Being Vulnerable and Owning My Story...To Be a Better Mom

I've completed Daring Greatly by Brene Brown for the second time and made a commitment to really do some self-reflection and work through some tough issues that have bothered me for years.  To start, I have challenged myself to being vulnerable and owning my story.  While reading the book this time around, I found myself thinking, "This is how I feel" so many times when she talked about shame in different environments in our lives.  Typically I would push my feelings under the rug, but I feel like I need to work through some of these uncomfortable parts of my life to not only be more comfortable with who I am, but to be a better mother.  

So, today I'm going to be vulnerable and I'm going to begin the process of owning my story. (And no, I don't plan to document it all on here!  This particular part just happens to tie in with being a mom).  Last night on Facebook I posted this status, "Tonight I am opening myself to the feelings that come with being on the "outside" looking in and feeling left out. I have always tried to bury these emotions, but to be a better mother, I feel like I have to work through them for myself and be at peace in order to help guide my kids."  

This is a part of my story that has been difficult.  There have been many periods in my life where I have struggled to figure out where I belong.  From middle school to college, I was always part of a "group," but never quite felt like I belonged.  I experienced rejection, felt misunderstood, and had my feelings hurt on many occasions. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and insecure and had a hard time understanding how people could change so quickly, but I never really talked about any of it with anyone.  Instead, I stored those feelings inside and the shame that came with them.

As an adult, those experiences and feelings have stuck with me, but I like to think I have learned from them.  It seems that when we are younger, we think that having a ton of friends is important and somehow makes us worthier.  I have realized that it isn't the quantity of friends but the quality.  I have lived in several different places since graduating from college and have developed some wonderful friendships with some fantastic women, but it took me some time to develop these relationships.  I find that those earlier life experiences have made me cautious, but it has not prevented me from meeting some wonderful people along the way.

So how does this pertain to being a mom?  With one child already in elementary school and others to follow, I know that as issues arise, I want to be able to help guide my children without my feelings of hurt and shame getting in the way.  To some it may sound silly that events that occurred years ago still affect me, but if you really look within yourself, I'm sure you can still feel the pain and hurt of certain events that occurred in your lives dating back to your school years, too.  I know that experiencing rejection, insult, and being picked on are all a part of life and growing as a person, but it doesn't make it any easier.  

Yesterday one of my kiddos had a case of hurt feelings and it broke my heart to hear him explain the problems he was having.  I listened and tried to offer encouragement.  I also made a mental note to find time to discuss it with my husband (out of earshot of my son) before he went to bed.  My husband is good at having the father/son talks at bedtime and I wanted him to be able to sit down with our son and talk while it was all still fresh.  The incident was a typical childhood experience, but we still felt it was important to talk through it with him.  

When I look back on my childhood, I feel like either I wasn't encouraged to talk about my feelings about incidents like these or I chose not to.  This is not what I want for my children.  I hope that we, as parents, will encourage our children to talk about the problems they are having and the feelings that go along with them so that they can work through these experiences, learn from them, and move on.  While it was difficult to feel this way as a child, I have a feeling it is going to be even more difficult as a parent!

In the end, we all want to feel a sense of belonging and be accepted for who we are.  One of my favorite excerpts by Brene Brown about belonging is this, "There are so many terms we use every day whose meanings are gauzy, if not downright imprecise -- which makes it hard to get your head around what's really going on in your life. For example, contrary to what most of us think: Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely -- it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are -- love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.

Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking.

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don't have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess."  

I want to teach my kids that they are enough.  I want them to stay true to who they are and not change to try to fit in.  We will make it a priority in our home to accept each other for our strengths and our weaknesses, talk about our feelings, and create an environment where everyone knows, without a doubt, that they are important and belong.

      

Daring Greatly: A Book Review

Not too long ago I shared a book with you that I loved.  It was called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  I loved this book so much I bought a copy for myself and for a gift to give a female at our annual family Christmas gift exchange.  I haven't revisited the book yet, but I did read her most recent book that my husband bought me for Christmas:  Daring Greatly:  How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.   

It was my first book of 2013 and I think I started off the year with a great choice!  One chapter that I found to be particularly interesting pertained to parenting.  Brene Brown has spent over a decade doing research on shame (among other things) and it's amazing how this can really effect our lives.  One of the main points that I took away from the chapter was to separate the child from the behavior.  This was a good refresher from my education years ago.  We all have moments (probably daily!) where our children make choices that irk us.  How we react to these moments, though, can really shape how our children feel about themselves both now and going forward.  It was a good reminder to think about how I phrase my words when I am upset/correcting my kids.  Rule of thumb:  "Name, you have made a bad choice/decision (insert offense)."  We could follow that up with, "How can you fix it" or "What could you do differently?"  

I'm not going to lie, the words, "You are naughty" or another shameful word has come out of my mouth plenty of times.  I will definitely be making a conscious effort to improve the way I relay my message to my kiddos.  I don't want them to feel ashamed that they can't do something, for example tying their shoes or making it to the potty in time, but I want them to feel good about their effort and give it their best.  This really just brushes the surface.  You'll have to read the book if you want to learn more!

Shame really fills a large space in our society.  It happens at home, school, work, and organizations with our family, friends, and strangers.  We're a competitive society and putting down others' efforts is the norm.  We try to "one-up" others and make ourselves feel good about our decisions and circumstances.  The list goes on and on.  Sometimes it takes concrete examples, like those given in the book, to make us realize how common it really is.     

The last point I'd like to make about this book involves risk-taking and creativity.  The author points out that many times we don't even make an effort to do something we really want to do, because we are afraid of how it will be received by others.  How many of your dreams have you squashed because you were afraid to share them with others?  How many thoughts do you keep to yourself because you are afraid you will be shut out by the one you share them with?  I'm sure you could think of several examples in just a few minutes.  On the flip side, how many times have you shut someone else down?  Just something to think about!

I really can't recommend this book (and the other) enough.  They will both make you think and perhaps strive to make some simple (or not so simple) changes in your lives.  In a society where we beat ourselves up or get beaten up by others on a daily basis, I think we could all use a little insight and motivation to make some changes.  While I've given each book one read-through, I will definitely be reading them again in the near future.  There is so much good information to process, that it's worth a second look!