Half of the Mom I Want to Be

Yesterday my status on Facebook was this:  "Pretty sure I'm the crabbiest mother on the planet..."  Some others tried to claim the title and it inspired me to write this post.

Lately I've been in a bit of a funk.  Some days I wake up that way, others it takes awhile to emerge, but most every day I end up in this little unpleasant place.  I don't believe I suffer from post-partum depression, as it's not that intense, I just end up in this place of feeling crabby, irritable, and discouraged.  By the end of the day I am disgusted with myself and feel like I'm only being about half of the mother that I'd like to be.

Perhaps you have days like these?  You know, the one where it seems like every little thing gets under your skin?  I have great intentions of doing something fun with the kids, but it seems like we get so off-track or there is something that needs to get done around the house or the baby needs my attention that all of the sudden the day is over.  I tell myself that it is okay and that I'll do better tomorrow, but the pattern seems to repeat itself.

I wish I was that mother that loved to get down on the floor and play for hours with her kids.  The truth is, I'm not.  I like to be doing something, like a craft project or puzzle, that has becomes a finished product.  When I was little I played much like my kids:  big imagination, used my animals as people, and had big schemes.  Most of the time, though, I played these scenes out alone.  My oldest prefers to play alone and have us watch and my middle two like to play with each other and would love an adult to play along with them.  I know I should just sit down, if even for ten minutes and just play along, but I have the hardest time doing that.  I get restless, my mind wanders, and I feel like I should be doing something else.  In turn, this leaves me feeling guilty and wondering why I just can't sit down and enjoy it.

I want to be a mom who can get through the day without losing her patience and yelling at the kids multiple times.  A mom who doesn't get annoyed when dirt has been tracked through the house or food is spilled all over the floor.  Right now, it's just not happening.  I used to be much more like that mom, but then something changed.  Most likely it was the additional children we had, but I wanted a big family, so I often wonder why I can't be more like I used to be instead of half of the mom I want to be?

When I think about why I struggle, many times I come back to this:  I have very little time to myself, to be me, to interact with other adults, to enjoy the things I like to do without the kids.  Before we moved I belonged to a gym that I loved, was part of a few mom's groups, had regular play dates with other moms and kids, and even date nights with my husband.  Unfortunately since we've moved, that just hasn't been the case.  While I am to blame for some of it, it's just taking a long time to settle in and figure out where I fit in.    It is something I am going to work harder at and I hope it will lift my spirits a bit.

This post is by no means meant to be a "poor me" rant.  I am just struggling with feeling like I'm not living up to the expectations that I have for myself and truly feel like half of the mom I want to be.  I need to find the other half!  Maybe there are others of you out there that feel the same way.  Maybe some of you have some good ideas to help those of us who are struggling.  Either way, I'd love to hear from ya!