Nostalgia: Birthdays Are Hard...

Birthdays are always hard for me.  Some days seem to last forever, but in the blink of an eye another year has rolled around.  This year I am struggling even more than normal.  You see, my girls' birthdays are just a day apart.  Last year I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of our little surprise bundle of joy and now I am preparing to celebrate a fifth and first birthday.

Five seems so old, after all she will head to kindergarten in the fall.  No more carefree days at home relatively shielded from the reality of the real world and the not-so-pleasant experiences she will more than likely encounter.  Oh, I know it's not all bad, there are plenty of wonderful experiences and opportunities that go along with heading off to school, but there are also tough, sad moments along the way, too.  My daughter is a sweet, sensitive, imaginative little beauty.  She is so excited to grow up and her mommy would just love for her to stay innocent forever.  It's so hard to watch them grow and leave the nest, if only for awhile.  Sigh...

My sweet little baby is turning one.  That first year is one I'd love to be able to freeze forever.  I've struggled with all of my baby's first birthdays, but this one is even more difficult.  There is a good possibility this is the last first birthday celebration we will have.  The last baby of my own that I will hold so close.  The last firsts we will experience.  The last sweet snuggles.  I love, love, love babies.  I may be hours and hours behind on sleep and yearning for a bit of me time, but I wouldn't trade these years for anything.  For as long as I can remember I dreamt of having a lot of kids.  I was never certain how many, but I knew I would love a big family.  We are fortunate this has been our reality.  I'm just not so sure how I could already be at this juncture in my life.  I had dinner with some ladies this past weekend and one of them put it so simply, "I think we always thought about having children, we just never thought about being done having children.  It's so final."  

It is so final.  I'm just not ready to close the door just yet.  Ah, it is just so hard.  

This weekend I will do my best to hide the tears I know will come.  I've felt so emotional and anxious since the calendar switched to April.  I will celebrate all we have been blessed with and count my lucky stars that I get to be "Mom" to these four sweet little kiddos.  I'll also do my best to imprint these memories in my mind and remind myself on the days when I feel like I'm going to go crazy that I wouldn't want my life to be any different.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little daughters.  Your mommy loves you so!

Princess #1

Princess #2